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“Adoption is messy. It’s hard. It can be ugly and beautiful all at the same time.” We have said these three statements so many times, and we haven’t even experienced the entire adoption journey from beginning to end. Right now it’s feeling as though we are just stuck-with no direction or time limit. And to be completely honest, it’s wearing on me.

In July it will officially be three years when we sent in our initial payment and application. We had absolutely no clue how this journey was going to look, and we still don’t. I’m telling you, this has been the longest roller coaster ride I have ever been on- and it’s nowhere near complete! I despise roller coasters- I’m not an adrenaline junky, nor do I love that stomach-in-your-throat feeling.I avoid these rides at all costs. To be truthful I haven’t been on one since my senior class trip to Cedar Point and I have no desire to ever go on one again. The anxiety I feel on that first giant hill- you know, where the links in the chain pull yank you up one by one, just to drop you down the other side is like a torture technique to me. I think my heart literally stops beating, and I just begin to cry and scream because I JUST WANT OFF. Completely helpless because I’m at someone else’s (or some thing’s) mercy.

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That’s kind of what I have been feeling like the past week or two. I want off this ride. I’m tired of the ups and the downs. The feelings of life going upside down and helpless, the racing heart of the phone ringing, the excitement of a donation, and the tears of wanting off the ride are all present. I’m exhausted. I spend way too much time looking around me and seeing friends and families’ lives carrying on with children and being “families” my heart hurts.  I’m not jealous or envious, yet seeing all of the expectant moms, new moms, new adoptions, and moving adoptions just can make me hurt-and thus begins the doubts swirling in my heart and head.

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I want off this ride. I want some movement. You know those breaking news stories when you hear a roller coaster stopped in the middle of the ride, leaving its passengers in the middle of a giant drop, or even the dreaded upside down position…yah, that’s kinda what it is feeling like to me right about now. I’m waiting to get this ride working again, seeing progress, or just waiting to be rescued.

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We KNOW that God has called us to this adoption. And we KNOW God has spoken to each of us about twins. Yet we also know this request is so few and far between that we have no timeline to even consider during the wait. -there’s no announcement from the roller coaster technician saying “Please stay buckled in your seats, the ride should begin within the next ten minutes”. Yah, nothing like that can happen- we will have no hint until we get “THE CALL”.

We have been SO SURE this is where God wants us. Yet, on days when the coaster has seemed to have come to a complete stop in the middle of the track, doubts creep into the journey and I feel as if we are on the wrong ride. God has placed us on THIS journey for His purpose and glory, yet I’m struggling. I struggle every time I hear a friend is expecting a new baby- not in the my-arms-yearn-to-hold-our-child sort of way, but I struggle in the notion that I have no idea where we are on the journey. Are we going to see our children soon? Are we going to be parents soon? Are we going to have to wait a lot longer? Cause God, I’d like to know if we can get off of this ride sooner or later…I’m not sure my heart can take much more of this wait.

The carrot has been dangling in front of us for almost three years…I’m exhausted. Days go by when I don’t want to think of the adoption. I don’t want to see pictures of families together. I don’t want to hear of people receiving “the call”. It’s not because I’m bitter, it’s because I feel alone. Alone in the messy feelings of “the wait”. This include the “new” emotion I’ve been experiencing…it’s called guilt. Our agency has a glorious “list” called the ‘waiting child list’. I’m sure you’ve heard of such a list. Oh my, does that page stir MANY feelings in my heart. I would absolutely take every child on that page and fill my house with each of those smiling faces. But in reality, we have to rely upon our God to direct our path, but knowing that we need to wait upon His call I have complete guilt.

Guilt when I see other families choosing to change their requests and to pursue a waiting child…is this something that God is calling us to do? So far, I know Travis and I have the same conclusion- no. No, we don’t believe God is calling us to an older child adoption, nor one with severe special needs at this time. We began with the desire to be open to anything God wills for our lives, and we still feel confident that He will direct us differently if His will changes for us. But in the hard, dark days when this roller coaster journey called adoption is upside down and twisting like there’s no tomorrow, guilt-doubt-helplessness-and anger all rear their ugly heads. And THAT is when I want off this ride. No it doesn’t mean I want to get off the adoption-road, but some days I just check-out. I don’t want to hear of another friend expecting to see their child in 9 months. NINE MONTHS…what a short little roller coaster! 🙂 Some days I just think “why are we doing this adoption? why did we choose adoption first, rather than just “try” for bio kids?” But ultimately either method is completely chosen by our Creator…even if it means a H-U-G-E roller coaster ride in the meantime.

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Yep. Sums it all up pretty well, just in this pic alone!

 

(footnote to the skeptics…NO, I am NOT bitter because my quiver is not full…these feelings are raw and real, but I can still celebrate life no matter the measure of family-development. I am still able to be excited for new birth and fresh adoptions. And no, I’m not wanting sympathy by writing these words. I’m writing my thoughts and reality.)

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