Oh how these words have sprung to my head so much lately.
I’m sure many of you are aware of the ol’ adage “when it rains it pours”… How true this has been within our recent weeks. Things have come a’pourin’ and the only way we can “fix” it is to increase our trust in our God.
-Between a car with its second need-to-be-replaced-transmission…thus resulting in a need for a new car after both cars have been paid off, and the decisions surrounding what car to replace it with (that’s a whole’nother post!)
-Shower tiles that had been holding on for dear life (a lot longer than they should’ve been!) that finally fell off revealing various shades of mold. Thinking the replacement of said tiles would only take 3 days to complete, we approached the project with much DIY vigor, only to still be trekking to family members’ homes to take showers to this day.
-sicknesses lasting weeks longer than they should have
-adoption fund painfully and prayerfully depleted because of needing to afford the above major items without too much debt…admittedly all while the Holidays of gift giving and travel were upon us.
But those are not the reasons I write…those are just pictures of what was/is tangibly happening here. There is one major issue that was presented to us a few weeks ago that sparked shear panic among the adoption community in Ethiopia-the serious discussion of closure of all intercountry adoptions.
This happened just after the US’s celebration of Christmas. For an entire weekend the social networking of individuals in the adoption community erupted with rumors of meetings of high-level individuals in Ethiopia hearing presentations why the government should decide to close adoptions altogether.
The weekend ended, and the rumors were affirmed. There in fact had been a multiday meeting of hundreds of government officials and public stakeholders in Ethiopia to discuss various aspects of recent research concerning important life-issues…one of them being adoption. Groups discussed this area widely, and it was noted there was a lot of support from governmental officials to change international adoptions in Ethiopia and to increase domestic adoption in Ethiopia, yet there were still individuals in support of the benefits of intercountry adoptions.
In the end, it was presented the umbrella agency officiating Ethiopian adoptions, called MOWCYA, would have 10 business days to prepare more research for Parliament and Ethiopia’s Prime Minister… ideas and research of their positions-either closing intercountry adoptions, reforming the processes, and/or plans to increase domestic adoptions.
We are still in the 10-day wait…
With all of the craziness of information, expenses, and projects over the course of the last weeks, I ask myself “Can we fix it?” (with the ever-annoying Bob the Builder response, “yes we can!” naturally answering). But that’s a lie. We have absolutely no control over any of these situations. We had no control over the fact that the worst year for Honda Civic transmissions was the exact year we had, nor had control over those pesky ancient tiles from falling one bunch at a time like a Tetras game. And as always, we have absolutely no control over our adoption journey. Could I pull my hair out from all of this mess? Absolutely! Can I get so angry over the fact that I want to see God’s hand in this process more than ever now? Most definitely! Can my anxiety be increased over the whole of issues we have had pouring in over us? Ummm-yes. Can I fix any of it? Nope. And it sucks.
There, I said it. It sucks. It sucks that we wait-and have waited over 3 years from the beginning of our application. It sucks as I sit and watch everyone’s life move forward while we feel stagnant. But even with the feelings of dread that come over me at times, I realize it changes nothing. I can do nothing to move the process faster, but I do know the One who can.
Do I always trust Him? Not like I should. Do I waiver in my faith to believe He is bigger than all of these issues? Yes. Some days are better than others. Some days the clouds seem more beautiful, the sun brighter, and the idea clearer that my God can move any mountain that gets in the way of His will. But lately? I struggle with knowing the deepness of my Father’s love- of hearing His voice or feeling His hand of support. Why is our home empty while children are on the other side of the world DYING? Why does it seem everyone around us is settling in to a nice, comfortable life, while we sit in quiet pain wondering when this roller coaster we’re on is going to take off and move? I’m at a loss some days.
But altogether, it is paramount for me to remember I am not here for my benefit, nor for Travis or my family’s…I am here as a vessel for the Lord, even with no children. I am a vessel for the Lord, alone. He is the One that must work…He is the only one that can answer my question of “Can we fix it?” with the reassuring response of “Only I can”. I pray that when I hear the question “can we fix it” pop into my head, I no longer here the squeaky response of “yes we can”, but the ever-resounding sound of God triumphantly saying “Only I can”!