Oh dear reader,
How I wish I could express the feelings swirling around our home each and every day. But I will spare you boredom and pity. Truth is, I’ve given up writing blogs- as well as reading them. Three years ago I was so excited to be on this journey- one that looked very different from what it has become. The Ethiopian adoption scene was quite different in 2010- including one trip, a short wait, and a “fast” timeline. Our current wait doesn’t have anything to do with the idea of twins, or age as there has been an immense slow-down in Ethiopian adoptions. Even families who have chosen to follow God’s calling to choose a child from our waiting children list are seeing a dynamic pause in the process.
I’m tired of it all.
I don’t say this to receive sympathy or special care from others. I say this because it’s reality. I don’t check my email in eagerness of receiving anything adoption related. I have looooong let go of looking forward to a phone call from the notorious 703 area code. And what may seem completely selfish and wrong, I avoid interacting with many adoptive families. It has nothing to do with who they are (as many of them mean so much to me), but it aches my heart and initiates the personal dialogue between me and God about how our (Travis and my) life feels as if it is in one extreme holding pattern. We don’t have other children to “distract” us…we go to our jobs, do what we do every day, and find ourselves wondering what God is trying to teach us.
I want to be humorous. I desire to be uplifting and positive, but I struggle. I want to be honest with how hard this process is. We are regularly asked how the adoption is going…and each time we have to answer “we have no idea”. It’s challenging for us to want people to ask about our journey, yet we hurt each time we say “it’s still there- the adoption is still in-process”. While knowing our 2 year old paperwork is sitting in Ethiopia somewhere, and here in the States we are going to be redoing the majority of our paperwork, it’s such a challenge to stay in our reality and hold onto the faith we held on to when we started this journey.
I write this to process and to remember one day the depth of feelings and emotions we experience while God prunes us into the couple/family He has created us to be. I try to hold on to the Scriptures of promise and I revel in our current BSF study in Matthew, yet my faith in God’s pruning is ragged. This faith-journey is rough, bumpy, ugly, surprising, and honest. But overall, I know we rely upon the God who has called us- the God who has blessed us in ways we cannot even specify. I pray we consistently remember not to rely upon earthly understanding of this process, but to glorify God in the wait- even if it’s during a pruning season…..
-THIS is what I’m trying to express to myself each day. To trust.